Here it is. I doubt this battle will ever get into the larger view category, because the league it was on (NLC, No Loose Chat) is a little smaller than Don’t Flop or Premier Battles and, also, it wasn’t exactly a battle that people were clamouring for. I didn’t have people messaging me at 3 in the morning begging me to battle Georgie Roots. “Why haven’t you battled Georgie Roots yet, you pussy?!”

But when it was suggested, I thought it would be really fun.

The more I think about it, the more I realise that this battle is a sort of ‘you get what you see’ one. I’m not positive which elements I can add to it that will make it more interesting.


The 2nd round is probably the best one from me. I wanted to do something that was like a concept round but not. So this one is just focused on one particular angle and trying to get the most out of it, which is the knife thing. I always subscribe to that idea of taking someone’s strength and making it feel like a weakness and one of the things that Georgie’s known for is knife bars. I wanted to create a narrative that basically said ‘having a knife is lame’. Which, obviously, is true. Fuck knives. Well, don’t fuck knives, that would be awful. Avoid them entirely.

I still like the ‘fuck a big fish in a small pond, I’m a blue whale in a shot glass’ line. Someone Tweeted me that a blue whale isn’t a fish. But then I said a shot glass isn’t a pond so, we landed on a stale mate. Speaking of stale mates, Theo wasn’t at this battle.

The room we performed in was as hot as your mum, I couldn’t believe it. I was sweating like a nonce in a nursery. There was a tiny fan next to me (Not Krishna), but it did very little to offset the stream of sweat running down my spine, or the ‘baquaduct’, as I call it.

“it doesn’t get any whiter than this’”

At one point in the battle, Georgie took his hat off to reveal he had dyed his hair pink. Big moment. I’m gutted I didn’t say “your head looks like a very small, pink tennis ball, a teen at his first festival, a Japanese vegetable, or one of Maajin Buu’s testicles.” But you live and you also learn, do you not?

He had a really funny bit about me being in Marks and Spencer confidently buying stuff without looking at the prices. That whole bit was great.

Some of my favourite bits of my own material were probably the ‘it doesn’t get any whiter than this’, the 2nd round and some of the longer schemes like the ‘you tried nicking Tone’s crown in his home town, wicked, so, how did it go, pal? Did you win it? No? Wow!’ And the long scheme in the third, too.

Most of all, I think I just liked how clean my performance was. It’s a big thing for me, just getting the material out without massively stumbling and I think I only had one real stumble in the 3rd, but it was only momentary.

I liked my stuff, but I don’t think this is going to be one of those ones that stands the test of time. One of the things I think about this battle is that it was a tiny room, not a huge amount of people in there and I don’t really thrive in that environment. I feed off the energy of a big crowd, it helps to control the comic timing so much. I absolutely love being on a stage in front of a packed out room, raised above the (no disrespect) fucking filthy scum (you) so I can look down at you all from my throne of genius.

Seriously, though, performing on stage is so so so much better than in the pit for me. The sound travels better, nobody in the audience is missed out by the battler having their back to them, everyone can see, even from the back of the room (unless you’re stood behind Lazy Arse Jack who is 9 foot 6) and the crowd feels more like one organism, so reactions are more swelling. I would choose stage over pit 9 times out of 10, with the exception of there being so few people in the room that it looks pathetic.

Georgie’s stuff was great. Some of the angles I wasn’t really a fan of, but he’s a good writer and always manages to get his points across concisely, which is a proper underrated skill for any writer, but especially whilst keeping it entertaining in the medium of a rap battle. I think he’s a good writer and I really like his confidence and stage presence.

I definitely see the Cee Major comparisons, but everyone has flashes of inspiration from others and I think he’s definitely come into his own and has developed quickly by taking quite a few battles close together. I think if he continues, he will establish himself as a stalwart, if he doesn’t run out of people to battle by 2024.

I think I won this battle and I’m happy with my performance and writing. Even so, it’s relatively low down for me in terms of re-watchability. It’s not particularly exciting, it’s just a good little battle, do you know what I mean?

Anyway, fuck off now, I need to tidy the house. I’m doing the kitchen, bathroom and hoovering and El’s doing bedroom, spare room and fishing out the bodies from the moat.

Thanks for reading, you scum bags. Bye. Pictures taken by the talented Rick Charles @rickcharles on Instagram.